Movie Buzz – 1/30

The acting couldn’t get much worse in this week’s new movie releases. Jessica Alba, Eva Longoria Parker, Steve Zahn and Miley Cyrus — please, somebody make it stop!

Times are tough in Tinseltown when I find myself leaning toward recommending the new Hannah Montana concert-movie event. Hey, at least theaters are showing “Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus: Best of Both Worlds Concert Tour” in Disney Digital 3-D.

Had someone in the early ’90s predicted people would be falling all over themselves to see Billy Ray Cyrus’ offspring in concert, the trendsetters of the world would have laughed in their face. Billy Ray’s famous mullet and one-hit-wonder status for “Achy Breaky Heart” made him a pop culture laughingstock, but now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.

Miley’s rise to fame has many of us outside the tween age group asking, “How does a mildly pretty girl who talks with a raspy, manly voice get to be the hottest thing on the market?” Even Gidget wasn’t this popular.

On the bright side, Miley has avoided any kind of Spears family tabloid meltdown, so I suppose your pre-teen daughters could do much worse, role model-wise.

Plus, if there’s anything worse than sitting through a Hannah Montana concert with a room full of screeching young girls, it’s sitting in a theater for two hours watching Jessica Alba try to act.

For some actors, looks are more important than dramatic capabilities: So as long as they have a few scantily clad scenes and the benefit of a great hairstylist, no one cares how awful their movies are. Alba falls into that category, typically showing an emotional range similar to that of the common houseplant.

This week she appears as a blind woman who receives an eye transplant which shows her the horrors of a supernatural world in “The Eye.”

It truly sucks when gaining the vision for which you’ve waited so long opens up a world of terrifying death and destruction. Viewers will share the pain with Alba’s character, though, as they suffer through this awful flick.

Paul Rudd was just starting to win fans over again, as his role in last summer’s “Knocked Up” and the ones he played in other Judd Apatow-produced flicks were a refreshing change to simply watching him play second fiddle to more celebrated actors.

It’s a shame Rudd wasted his theatrical upswing, sacrificing his chance at making it in good movies, by co-headlining with Eva Longoria Parker (of television’s “Desperate Housewives”) in “Over Her Dead Body.”

The premise of the film has Rudd dating a psychic as Longoria Parker, his deceased ex, tries to sabotage the relationship. Didn’t movie studios produce hundreds of made-for-TV-movies just like this in the ’80s?

By the way, if you’ve ever stopped to wonder what happened to Jason Biggs (“American Pie”), then you may be amused to find him co-starring in this flick.

Believe me, movie-goers, I feel your pain. There’s just one more piece of garbage in this ultra-disappointing movie lineup to tell you about. “Strange Wilderness” is a pointless spoof of “Crocodile Hunter”-inspired reality television.

Making matters even worse: The film’s biggest names are sophomoric comedy all-stars Steve Zahn, Justin Long and Jonah Hill.

Movie Buzz – 1/23

There are several things about the 1980s most of us would happily forget. Take, for example, shoulder pads, T-shirt clips and the New Kids on the Block.

However, there was an upside to that decade. After all, it was also the time period that brought the world pop-culture heroes like Ronald Reagan, Molly Ringwald and those adorable, fuzzy little Care Bears.

While I’m all for ’80s nostalgia in the form of Cabbage Patch Dolls and Strawberry Shortcake cartoons, some forms of entertainment should rest in peace where we left them two decades ago. Included in that assessment are recent attempts at ’80s throwbacks like “Miami Vice” and “Alvin and the Chipmunks.”

Sylvester Stallone found critical success recently with the release of his sixth “Rocky” flick, “Rocky Balboa,” which featured the actor as an aging version of the boxer he made famous long ago. But how will the writer-actor-director measure up while presently filling his other iconic role, that of disgruntled Vietnam War veteran John Rambo?

Believe it or not, Stallone is nearing his 62nd birthday, and in spite of the fact that he’s nearing a widely recognized retirement age, Sly is still going strong at the box office. Plus, he’s got the washboard abs to prove he’s no slouch when it comes to being a modern-day action star.

So, hoping that ’80s nostalgia will fuel more box-office success for Stallone, movie execs gave “Rambo,” a fourth film about America’s favorite renegade soldier, the go-ahead.

This film marks the machine gun-wielding macho man’s first appearance on the big screen in 20 years. Audiences were first introduced to Rambo in the 1982 film “First Blood.” The series’ new installment finds the retired soldier lured back into action when some peace-loving aid workers are kidnapped in the midst of war-torn Thailand.

More ’80s nostalgia flicks slated for release in the next few years include “G.I. Joe” and “The A-Team,” with rapper-actor Ice Cube potentially filling the role made famous by Mr. T.

Like Stallone, actress Diane Lane is no spring chicken, yet she leads this week’s other major opener at the box office. “Untraceable” finds Lane as an investigator tracking down a killer who airs his victims’ deaths live on the Internet.

The film comes from “Fracture” director Gregory Hoblit, who appears to have a morbid obsession with murder as of late. This flick seems like a “CSI” for the big screen with the bonus of using the Web as a horror device.

Those idiot spoof-movie creators love to keep Carmen Electra working. This week, audiences will find the talentless beauty in “Meet the Spartans,” a cheap spoof of last summer’s hit action flick “300.”Adding even more cheese factor to this movie is actor Kevin Sorbo, who audiences may recognize from the now-defunct television series “Hercules.”

The same viewers who paid to see “Stomp the Yard” a year ago will probably shell out their cash for another step-dancing movie this week. “How She Move” is surely not the most grammatically correct title the movie world has ever seen. Luckily, music and dance are the focus here, so just watch the moves and ignore everything you learned in English class.

Movie Buzz – 1/16

Katie Holmes’ acting was hard enough for audiences to stomach on the small screen, so why are casting directors torturing us by putting her in another movie?

Unfortunately, Holmes’ schooling in the dramatic arts came through several torturous years of overacting on the teen melodrama “Dawson’s Creek.” From there, Holmes went on to make several forgettable movies before embracing Scientology as Mrs. Tom Cruise.

Her latest movie is an all-girl affair with Diane Keaton and Queen Latifah. The film, “Mad Money,” comes from chick-flick director Callie Khouri (“The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood”), whose most impressive credit to date is as the writer of another female-driven film, “Thelma and Louise.”

Keaton plays the quirky, slightly neurotic (are you surprised?) mastermind of a plot where three female workers at a Federal Reserve bank steal money that is set to be destroyed. If the plot sounds painfully simple, that’s because it is.

On the bright side, Holmes will not be reprising her role in the upcoming Batman movie, “The Dark Knight.” She has been replaced by Maggie Gyllenhaal, an actress who, unlike Holmes, has demonstrated admirable talents in movies like  “Sherrybaby” and “Stranger Than Fiction.”

One actress who has successfully transcended from the television world to the big screen is “Grey’s Anatomy” star Katherine Heigl. She earned a huge fan base through her work on writer-director Judd Apatow’s recent Beauty and the Beast-themed comedy, “Knocked Up.”

Now, Heigl is trying a far less crude romantic comedy on for size in “27 Dresses.” It seems weddings bring out the worst in some people. This is especially true for disgruntled career bridesmaids, like the one Heigl plays in the film.

Things get ugly when the man she secretly loves, played by Edward Burns, ends up getting engaged to her younger sister. Luckily, James Marsden (“Enchanted,” “Hairspray”) and his sparkling blue eyes will be there to help her get over it.

Expect some graceful moves from the cast, too, since director Anne Fletcher’s (“Step Up”) primary area of expertise is as a choreographer.

Can “Cloverfield” do for horror movies today what  “The Blair Witch Project” did nearly 10 years ago?

Let’s see. Hand-held camera, check. Teen and 20-something actors scared out of their minds, double check. But there’s one major difference: Witches really are scary and folklore suggests they existed at one point and possibly still do today. Monsters, on the other hand, are far less believable, making producer J.J. Abrams’ film about a monster attack on New York City too phony to induce pure fear.

Yet, like “Blair Witch,” this flick’s bumpy camcorder action will probably bring on motion sickness in anyone who can bear to watch. Bringing your own barf bag is highly recommended.

Some top-notch films that didn’t originally open in the CSRA have finally come to our area. Buzz-worthy flicks like  “The Kite Runner,” “The Orphanage” and the romantic war drama “Atonement” are now playing here. Head to the theater and rejoice!

Movie Buzz – 1/9

Jack Lemmon and Walter Matthau proved old guys could still bring audiences to the box office by sharing a few laughs, a few man hugs and a tear or two. The “Grumpy Old Men” formula for movie magic may not translate well to 2008’s audiences, though, as viewers have been desensitized by an overload of reality television and Hollywood spectacle.

Somehow, in the midst of Britney Spears tabloid mania, a movie about two terminally ill, aging men with a lengthy “to do” list doesn’t sound so thrilling. Even with the talents of Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman, there’s little hope “The Bucket List” can stand up to the competition from today’s fast-paced flicks, which cater shamelessly to our short attention spans.

Throw in director Rob Reiner, who has helmed nothing but a few sappy romantic comedies in the past few years, and this flick is certain to descend quickly from the big screen to your local Blockbuster Video.

Plus, the film’s writer, Justin Zackham, is a healthy guy in his mid-30s. Needless to say, I doubt his views on aging and living with cancer are exactly up to snuff.

Poor Ice Cube seems to have mixed up his days of the week. The rapper-actor, who earned a few fans with his “Friday” series of films, must have had a weak moment when accepting a role alongside marginally talented comic actor Tracy Morgan in “First Sunday.”

This film, from budding director David E. Talbert, sounds like a flick even Martin Lawrence would turn down. It focuses on two bumbling convicts who devise a scheme to rob a church. But hey, the Lord works in mysterious ways and the boys may just end up being reformed.

Ray Liotta is back on the big screen, and you guessed it — he plays a man of questionable sanity. Liotta and Burt Reynolds star alongside action C-lister Jason Statham (“Crank,” “War”) in the long-winded “In the Name of a King: A Dungeon Siege Tale.”

A medieval war story that lacks star-powered box-office appeal and has stylistic deficiencies normally used for comical purposes in spoofs like “Robin Hood: Men in Tights,” it’s hard to tell exactly when and where this flick takes place.

On the bright side, Jason Statham is ticked off and Ray Liotta is crazy, so it should make for an angry, though somewhat amusing, couple of hours — but probably just for audiences made up of teenage boys.

For the kids, there’s a G-rated Veggie Tales flick confusingly called “The Pirates Who Don’t Do Anything: A Veggie Tales Movie.” If a movie has a title claiming talking vegetables will spend the better part of two hours not doing much, why not just get a Mr. Potato Head and an eye patch and call it a day? Your kids will be equally entertained.